Kirk Martin has a simple premise that most parenting advice ignores. Your words can light a situation on fire. The same mouth can put it out. And you get to choose, every single time, which one happens.

Martin is the founder of Celebrate Calm and host of the Calm Parenting Podcast, and he specializes in exactly this: practical language for the moments when everything is about to go sideways. We pulled the ten phrases from his most recent episode and stripped out everything except the stuff worth saving.

Listen to the full episode here.

1. “I think I misunderstood your intentions.”

Most kids who lash out or shut down feel misunderstood before anything else. This phrase cuts through the behavior and speaks to the feeling underneath it.

Martin puts it personally: you can call him names and he won’t flinch. But if you assign bad motives to what he’s doing, that cuts deep. Same is true for your kid. Try it as a question too: “Did I just misjudge what you were trying to do?” Works on kids, works on spouses.

2. “I’m curious.”

Replace “What were you thinking?” with this. Those interrogating questions put a kid on the defensive with no good answer. “I’m curious” does the opposite. It signals that you’re alongside them, not coming at them. It’s an invitation to share without fear of a lecture. Martin says he uses this phrase almost every day with someone.

3. “That doesn’t sound like you.”

When a child is acting out, remind them who they actually are. It separates the behavior from their identity and gives them something to live up to. Most kids respond to being seen as better than their worst moment.

4. “You don’t have to talk right now.”

Forcing a conversation during a meltdown doesn’t work. The brain isn’t available for it. This phrase gives them space without abandoning the issue. Come back to it when everyone is calm. The conversation will actually go somewhere then.

5. “I’m not trying to win. I’m trying to help.”

Power struggles usually happen because both sides are fighting to be right. This phrase steps out of the fight entirely. It reframes your role from opponent to ally. Hard to keep arguing with someone who just told you they’re on your team.

6. “I could be wrong about this.”

Humility as a parenting tool. Martin’s point is that it’s almost impossible for a child or spouse to keep attacking when you exercise it. It’s not weakness. It signals enough confidence to drop the ego. And it models the exact thing you’re hoping to see from them.

7. “I trust you to figure this out. I’m here if you want me.”

Kids need to own their problems. If you solve everything for them, you take away the sense of ownership and the growth that comes with it. This phrase gives them space while making clear you’re available. Martin notes that if they do come to you for advice after you’ve said this, they’re far more likely to actually listen because it was their choice to ask.

8. “I can imagine that doesn’t feel great.”

When a kid is saying awful things, the instinct is to react to the behavior. Martin suggests looking past it to what’s driving it. This phrase does that. It acknowledges that something hard is going on inside them without rewarding the behavior or ignoring it. You’re not telling them it’s okay. You’re telling them you see them.

9. “I was wrong.”

Three words. Martin says humility is one of the most powerful calming tools available. It models accountability, it stops an argument cold, and it builds the kind of relationship where your kid can come to you when they mess up because they’ve seen you do it first.

10. “You’re not being defiant. You’re just overwhelmed.”

This one reframes everything. A kid who comes home bossing everyone around isn’t a problem kid. They’ve spent all day being controlled and now they’re trying to get it back in the only way they know. Give them something specific to own, a task they can actually complete, and the bossiness usually disappears. A kid who feels in control of themselves doesn’t need to control everyone else.

None of these are magic. Martin is clear about that. But practiced and used consistently, they change the temperature of most situations before they escalate into something nobody wanted.

Go listen to the full episode at the link above. If you have a strong-willed kid, his show is worth a regular spot in your rotation.